Good-bye, Molar...

As I mourn the loss of my tooth and acquaint myself with the resulting hillbilly gap in my smile, I think back on all the good times we had. Chewing. Smiling. Ahh, it was a good tooth. Wait a minute! No, it wasn't! For a significant percentage of my adult life that molar caused me nothing but pain and suffering, not to mention a couple thousand dollars!

Remember when the Hebrews were complaining to Moses in the desert because he had yanked them out of paradise in Egypt? They were reminiscing about the good old days sitting around the fire, eating pots of meat and leeks and fish. Good times. Good times. What about the fact that they were slaves?!? Their very lives belonged to someone else who mistreated them. But in retrospect, they wanted to relive the experience differently so they remembered it fondly.

We're not so different, are we?

When God wants to get rid of something in our lives, or change our circumstances to reveal Himself and refine our character, the process is often painful. But we are better because of it.

Yesterday was as bad as I thought it would be, having my tooth pulled. Even with all the shots of whatever they used to numb me (They had to pull out the big guns for me since it kept wearing off. That was my favorite part...),the headphones and TV to distract me, and the compassionate staff at the dentist's office, the two hours I spent having that @#$@ tooth taken out in pieces was not pleasant. And I can't believe Dr. Yang enjoyed it any more than I did.

But after a day of hydrocodone and rest, I'm feeling the healing process already beginning.

Bottom line, this tooth was bad news and had to come out. And Dr. Yang was just the man for the job. He and his assistant were kind, caring, competent and always present. Kind of like God is when he takes us through something hard that's ultimately good for us, huh? He doesn't make us go through it alone. Heck, sometimes He doesn't make us do anything at all - just hang on for dear life while He does all the work.

That's what transformation is all about.

And I'd much rather have radical work done in my life to change me completely than do stop-gap behavior modification and live with the same old crap all the time. Wouldn't you?

Come, Sovereign LORD, and do your work in me. Refine me. Heal me. Change me.

Amazing God Moment

I met some new friends today - one of my very favorite things.

I was volunteering at my son's middle school as a validator for the final presentations the 8th graders do as a culminating, reflective exercise. One at a time, adolescents of radically varying personalities, skills, interests, and appearances come into a room to talk about their middle school experience with a couple of strangers. It's actually a fascinating exercise for everyone involved.

I love meeting the parents who help organize and volunteer for these kinds of events and today was no exception. (Last week I stopped by the main office to tell the secretaries what a great and important job they have. I just get SO excited!) Today my partner in the evaluations and I had some time to exchange stories as the first participant was absent. By the time our second 8th grader left, we had learned quite a bit about each other (actually she had learned a lot about me. I'm quite a talker. Is this news to ANYONE?).

When the third presenter came in I was reminded so much of myself at 13 that I loved her immediately. She was a taller, thinner, quieter version of me: long dark hair, braces, glasses and a clarinet case in her hand. Total flashback! She was a delight to listen to as she proudly displayed projects she'd creatively finished over the past three years. One of them made our jaws drop. It was a science project on the exact kind of leukemia that my son had had several years ago and I had just finished telling Michelle the story! As it turns out, this clarinet-playing girl has a brother with the exact same cancer Charlie had and was diagnosed at the same age.

Then she played a lovely tune on her clarinet (another moment I was transported back in time) and ended by saying she was going to have to take private lessons next year because there wasn't room in her schedule for band. Why? Because she's taking FRENCH! What?! Who was a French teacher? Who sent her kid to a French immersion school? Who is surrounded by Eiffel Towers and francophile paraphernalia as she writes this blog? ME! I'm telling you - I met mini me today!

When Madeleine went back to her class, Michelle and I looked at each other incredulously. What are the chances that out of 300+ 8th graders, this one would come into our room moments after I had told the story of Charlie's cancer? No chance. Only divine appointment.

As it turns out, Michelle is in a small group Bible study, too, and she recognized the moment as well. I love getting to recognize God inserting Himself in life situations like this, but being with a new friend who recognizes it too was the frosting on the cake.

I love when God shows up like that and I wish I expected it more often. I'm sure my son hopes it doesn't include much more volunteering at his school, however. If God keeps this up, I could make quite a spectacle of myself, and that might not be good for his social life.

Pulling Teeth

So I have to get a tooth pulled next week.

I’m not one who minds going to the dentist generally. (Shout out to all the great staff at Dr. Yang’s office!) I go regularly for the garden variety, run-of-the-mill, cleaning and polishing twice a year. And, for the most part, I have healthy teeth.

Yesterday was not such a visit.

You see, I have this problem tooth. Among all the other strong and cooperative teeth in my mouth, there is one troublemaker. It’s a molar on my lower right side where I’ve already had two root canals (yes, TWO!) and a couple of crowns. The most recent crown was put on just two months ago. Since it had been giving me a little discomfort for the past week or so, I decided to go in and be sure there wasn’t a real issue.

There is.

The crown is cracked and they have to pull the tooth. All the improvement we were hoping for came to naught. There’s bone loss, potential infection, and a slew of other disgusting nonsense going on in there. Ugh.

I’m not so upset about losing a tooth. It’s the process of replacing it that had me in tears as soon as I left the office. If it’s not replaced somehow, it will affect the surrounding teeth, my gums, the bones in my mouth, etc. But I just don’t want to do it.

This morning I started thinking that my tooth is like sin. (You knew this part was coming, right?)

Why would I resist removing something that is bad and is having a bad effect on an otherwise healthy existence? Sin. Bad teeth. Same thing.

Look at what Scripture says about the nature of sin in our lives:

“⁵Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. ⁶Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. ⁷You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. ⁸But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” (Colossians 3:5-10)

“²¹Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.” (James 1:21)

⁴³If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. ⁴⁵And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. ⁴⁷And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell…” (Mark 9:43-47)

Observation #1 – Sin must be removed. Jesus said it. Paul said it. Life experience proves it. If sin is not dealt with at the root, like a weed in a beautiful garden, there will be negative consequences. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. (Yes, I’m quoting Casablanca.) There is a very good reason that terms like “cut it off” and “get rid of” and “put to death” are used to refer to how we should treat the sin in our lives. We cannot manage behavior and merely do damage control, allowing just a little sin to remain. It must be eradicated. Anything less is disobedience to God’s commands for life.

Observation #2 –Sin must be replaced by holiness. This is the essence of the sanctification process. I listened to the trained professionals in the dentist’s office tell me why it was important to fill in the space that will be left from my tooth. I don’t want my other teeth to move. (Thanks for those braces, Mom and Dad.) I don’t want the tooth above the removed one to fall out because there’s nothing to bite against it. And it’s unsightly to have a hole in my smile. I can get a bridge that will cover my missing tooth as well as the one in front and the one behind as an option. This will require learning new technique for gently flossing around them as well as filing down the teeth that anchor the bridge. Now I’ve got three compromised teeth. It’s better than nothing, but the consequences still affect my other teeth.

The preferable (and more expensive) option is an implant. This is a surgically placed metal screw (or so it seemed to me) that goes in the bone to hold a permanent crown in place of the tooth I’m losing. It doesn’t affect my other teeth and it’s supposed to last the rest of my life. This option is the picture of sanctification I’m looking for. Yanking out the old, broken parts and replacing them with something permanent and solid. But it doesn’t happen overnight.

Observation #3 – Transformation is a process. All this dental work is going to take months because the doctors allow weeks in between the steps for healing. There’s something to that in our quest to remove sin from our lives as well. As dramatic and inspiring as tales of immediate deliverance from addiction are, they are not the experience for everyone. Many struggle for victory over areas of sin for years, begging God for radical transformation of their souls. And the process of submission demands that we continually turn over these areas, as well as new ones revealed by the Holy Spirit, for God’s surgical hand to heal. Giving up sin is hard. There’s something in it for me or I wouldn’t want to hang on to it, even though it’s killing me. This bitterness, this unforgiveness, this addiction. They are a part of me, albeit a destructive part. Each time I obey God and release part of the sin, He comes alongside me to heal and comfort. Breaking up with an abusive partner still hurts. God knows our struggle and walks with us in the process.

You may remember this story from the gospel of Matthew concerning the condition of a man who doesn’t deal with the sin in his life:

⁴³"When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. ⁴⁴Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. ⁴⁵Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation." (Matthew 12:43-45)

God’s plan for us is to remove the evil from our lives – big and little – so that He can replace the broken and inadequate parts with Himself. It’s a lifelong process and an adventure. But we’re not meant to do it alone. The community of believers is designed to support and pray for each other as we submit to the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. And when it works we all have prettier smiles!

• Which part of the “spiritual dentistry process” resonates with you most? Are you feeling convicted to yank something out? Are there empty places that need to be filled with God? Have you been living with a temporary solution that God’s asking you to deal with once and for all?

• Do any of the actions and attitudes listed in the passage from Colossians sound too familiar? If there are areas here that you struggle with, what steps do you think God may be asking you to take right now?

• What practical things can you do to “humbly accept the word planted in you”, as mentioned in James?

Fragile

Does anyone else see the irony in this package that was delivered to my house yesterday?

Fragile, yes. Was it handled with care? Hard to say.

It reminds me of a movie I saw part of while surfing channels. A woman was fleeing a domestic abuse situation and she was asking a police officer what to do. He suggested a restraining order. She asked, "What do I do with it if he comes around? Hit him with it?"

Just because there are instructions to be careful with something doesn't mean it will happen, does it? (Anyone have kids and glass coexisting in their house?) Just because we follow the rules doesn't mean bad things won't happen. Just because we ask someone to be gentle with our feelings doesn't mean they won't break our hearts. And just because we get in touch with our deepest longings or pain doesn't mean God will make everything happen immediately and the way we like it.

We may ask God consistently for children and doubt His goodness when, month after month, there's new evidence of Him saying "no". We may ask God for a spouse to show more affection or come to church with us, but nothing changes. We may come to terms with bitterness or pride or selfishness or anger and ask God to release us from it, only to have an awkward confrontation with someone and feel even worse.

Who failed? Did God let us down? Is He still trustworthy? Or has my discomfort compromised His goodness? Have I sacrificed His character to prove myself right?

God asked Job, "Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself?" (Job 40:8) It's what we do when we tell God what we want and become angry with Him when He doesn't come through or we get hurt. He promises to give us what we need; not everything we want. And He is good no matter what.

So we can put the "Fragile: Handle With Care" signs on our hearts and on our lives, but life happens. We may still have holes punched in our sides and get broken. But there is a Redeemer, and His grace is sufficient for us in all circumstances. Thanks be to God!

Matryoshkas

We had neighbors over for dinner last night and their little girl had fun playing with my Matryoshka dolls given to me by a friend several years ago. You may know them better as Russian nesting dolls or Babushka dolls. They are wooden painted dolls, hollow inside except for the last one, and they get smaller and smaller as you open them to reveal the next size. Ultimately there is a tiny little peanut of a doll hiding at the interior of all the dolls, painted as creatively and delicately as her larger counterparts.

My young friend and I entertained ourselves by hiding the littlest doll under one of the halves of the larger dolls and having the other guess her location, like a street scammer in New York City. We had several variations of the game: you only get three guesses (there were eight possible halves to choose from), you have to close your eyes while the other hides the doll, etc. Then the game turned into creative ways to stack the doll halves, all the while featuring the tiniest doll prominently in our display.

This got me thinking about some of the ways we play games with other people and with God in an effort to hide or highlight our truest selves. Sometimes we want to present ourselves as being bigger and stronger than we really are, concealing our weaknesses or vulnerable areas from others and presenting a decoy of ourselves, detracting attention from who we really are. At other times, we may creatively arrange our circumstances to put our best features in the most favorable light, in essence screaming, “Look at me! Look at me!”

It’s a challenge on one level to present a healthy version of ourselves to people we trust. It takes time and energy to determine which people in our lives are safe to be real with. That’s a good thing. Not everyone gets the most intimate access to my heart. But everyone deserves to see something real.

The ironic part of the game we play in life is that we think we can do it with God. The One who knit us together in our mother’s womb, knows the hairs on our heads, and discerns our thoughts and words before we even know them ourselves. (Psalm 139: 13, Matthew 10:30, Psalm 139:4) He may smile as we play the game sometimes, but He always knows the whereabouts of the most fragile and precious parts of ourselves that we think we can ignore or hide.

Sometimes I wonder if I even know that little peanut well enough to display it to others. Am I a stranger to myself? Am I living in denial of my true value or my detrimental flaws? How much effort am I willing to give to hiding and presenting a selective version of myself?

I want to be authentic in all things as a result of having heard from my Father who I am and what I was created for. That requires the discipline of silence and stillness, which I am far from mastering. I want to be still and know that He is God, because everything else in life flows from that knowledge. And only with that realization can I even begin to know who I am and be real.

A Date with Charlie

Last night I had a date with my 13-year-old. It was awesome.

We went to the Paramount Theater in Seattle to see a comedian my son LOVES - Brian Regan. My husband joined us and paid for dinner (Thank you, Tony!), then our date began.

My son didn't remember being at the Paramount before and took in the beautiful chandeliers and the sculpted ceilings as we waited for the show to begin. (Let's just say there were way more seats in front of us than behind us and the ceiling fixtures were a natural point of attraction from where we were.) His anticipation was palpable. After a few text messages to friends and a couple of squeals, the lights dimmed and the opening comic took the stage. He was mildly amusing, but Charlie was ready to laugh and enjoyed the performance.

When Brian Regan was finally announced, I thought my son was going to leap from his seat. I have never seen such excitement up close. Sure, I've see the videos of kids screaming over Elvis in documentaries, but your own offspring mere inches away? It was pure delight. At one point he turned to me and said, with both hands covering his mouth, "He's right here, Mom! He's right here!"

Later, as we were watching the performance on the large screen behind Brian Regan (I told you our seats were up there...) Charlie said, "It's like watching him on TV, but he's right here!"

Truth be told, I laughed so hard my eyes watered and once I thought I might wet my pants a little. He was, in a word, hysterical.

So here's what I've been thinking this morning. We are so enthusiastic about sporting events, pop stars and comedians that we clap, stand and holler, bark like dogs, and scream like little girls, but don't seem to muster up similar energy in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We will see Him one day. And He is with us every day right now. What would it be like to walk into church tomorrow morning, anticipating His Presence, and say to each other, "He's right here!"

We can talk to Him. We can hear Him. We can interact with Him. And He can change our lives. In every conversation with a friend, He's right here. In tear-filled, silent pain, He's right here. In our most exultant moments of joy, He's right here. What can we do to remind ourselves and each other of that truth? I'm not suggesting we all have to start worshipping like crazy people, but how can we prevent ourselves from becoming complacent in the presence of our Redeemer?

I want more excitement.

More worship adrenaline.

More Holy Spirit fire.

Father, come and have your way in me today. As undignified or as unorthodox as that may be. Make me aware of your holy presence and consume me with your fire. You are right here. May I never forget it. Amen.

Training or Transformation?

Recently I was listening to a podcast of a sermon where the pastor mentioned the difference between training and transformation. I've been noodling the concept ever since.

We can train ourselves to stay within certain behavioral parameters and call it obedience, but never be truly changed. On the other hand, if we commit to being transformed by God's Spirit in every area of our lives, disobedient behaviors will remedy themselves. The difference lies in the source of change - is it me or is it God?

This reminded me of something that happened to me about fifteen years ago. Because of complications from a childhood infection, most of my teen years and early 20's were plagued by chronic but manageable hip pain. By my mid-20's severe arthritis had developed and by 29 I was on prescription pain medication and walking with a cane.

As hard as I might have trained to walk more than a block or two without my cane or medication at that time, I was always going to be limited by the bone-against-bone friction in my hip socket. I could mask the symptoms and keep a stiff upper lip when the pain got to me, but ultimately, I could only do so much to change what was possible for me in this area.

Fast forward to June 1995 and a total hip replacement. After surgery and a few weeks of recovery and physical therapy, I was a new woman! I could walk miles, not yards. I could hike; I could bike; I could tie my own shoes! It was nothing short of a total life transformation.

A delightful side effect of removing my constant pain was a drastic improvement in my disposition. I hadn't realized how crabby years of chronic arthritis had made me! Physically and emotionally I was a new creation, all because of a little titanium in my hip.

See the connection? On my own I am extremely limited in modifying my sinful behaviors. I can tell myself over and over to watch my tongue and hopefully I will say fewer hurtful things this year than I did last year. But if I allow myself to be transformed by the Holy Spirit, giving Him control of my heart to change my passions and desires, then the overflow will naturally be more in line with the fruit only He can produce in me: love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

Lord, transform me. I commit to training in righteousness and trusting you to do what only you can do: make me a new creation in Christ. Amen.