Growing Pains

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?!” Once again, she struggled to help him pull off the ill fitting boots. He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots….”

Does working on difficult relationships ever feel like this to anyone but me? Just when I’m reaching an understanding of someone or have made peace with certain expectations, a conversation needs to take place to clarify or express, and the terrain gets rocky again.

I came across this quote in a book I’m reading on relationships, and I wonder if you can get behind this sentiment:

“The trade-off of current uneasiness for the awkward pain of growth is
the promise of future relief.” (How We Love, Yerkovich, p. 299)

These authors make it sound like it’s going to be hard either way: if you stay where you are in relational dysfunction with people or if you choose to move forward and gain understanding and change as a person. I have found that to be true; have you? Here’s a bit of Scripture that I have been living with over the past couple of weeks that has been encouraging in this area:

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,

live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)

Do you know what I love about it? It’s a perfect balance of a high standard of relational accountability with the freedom of reality. I have to do everything in my power, as God leads me, to live peaceably with everyone in my life. That’s my responsibility, period. And sometimes that’s exhausting. What’s also true is that sometimes it’s not possible, and sometimes it’s not up to me. Whew, right? Except that both of those scenarios can be painful, whether I’m
giving up my expectations on a relationship because I’ve been hurt or misunderstood so the relationship ends or I’m digging deep to find words to express myself and risking rejection, derision or more pain, but the relationship evolves.

So how do we know if we’ve done everything that depends on us to live at peace? How do I know if anything is required of me at all? And what’s wrong with just writing people off when the going gets tough so you can move on to greener relational pastures? If only a relationship with God was a formula. Then I could insert the flow chart below and we’d never have to press into God to listen to His Spirit in each individual situation we face. Oh, wait. Then we’d miss out on the relationship! That’s precisely why there is no formula!

Here are some principles that have helped me in messy relationships and led me toward resolution more often than dissolution. This is not an exhaustive list; just some helpful points.

1. Check yourself. This is the phase of the process that has to do with the “as far as it depends on you” part of the verse in Romans and must come first. Before any kind of fierce conversations can take place, I need to know my heart is in the right place. I ask God things like, “Why am I having this reaction?” “What is this feeling and where is it coming from?” “What did I do to cause this situation?” “What perspective am I not seeing?” “Is my expression of my feelings crucial to the health of the relationship?” “What do you want me to do or say?” If we never move beyond this step in our relationships, we still win.

2. Speak the truth in love. Once you’ve gone through the process of asking God to reveal your heart and asking Him to reveal His, you will be in a better position to say what’s on your mind. It’s ok to have feelings, but not everyone needs to know all of them all the time. If I’ve hashed them out with God, who cares more than anyone, I’m free to say only what needs to be said for clarification. I can express hurt, ask questions, and respond when the real working out of the situation has already happened between me and God.

3. Be real. Be clear. Be kind. As believers, we are all members of the body of Christ, and as such we are responsible for encouraging, challenging and loving each other as God’s Spirit prompts and convicts us. Speaking our minds doesn’t have to be cruel. Taking our time to allow God to give us just the right words (or to clamp our mouths shut) is one way to “restore each other gently” (Galatians 6:1) and move the relationship toward a deeper, more satisfying place.

4. Give the benefit of the doubt. Especially if there is a misunderstanding or tension between believers, we have to extend some grace to each other. If I’m trying to love my neighbor as myself, why would I assume that you’re not making the same effort?

5. Release. When we’ve consulted God, examined our hearts, and spoken the truth in love, sometimes we need to release the results and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes we need to release the relationship.

It’s not ok to leave things the way they stand when there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Awkwardness turns into resentment, anger and bitterness, which are seeds of division in the body of Christ. (Hebrews 12:14-15) But how we approach these tender situations can only be determined by a thorough examination of our own motives and a solid connection to the One who knows us and wants His children to live in peace. Conflict is one way God refines our character and challenges us to press into Him, developing our trust in Him along the way. When viewed from that perspective, it’s not all bad.

There are myriad methods of clearing up the messy bits in friendships, marriages, and other significant connections we have with each other. Sometimes we need to be direct with each other and lay out the issues clearly to get to the heart of an issue. Sometimes we need to bite our tongues. Sometimes God will reveal a creative and innovative way of arriving at resolution. But here’s the pay off verse I want to end on:

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” (Romans 8:17)

When we work through our feelings and issues with others as we go to God, asking Him to reveal Himself in the process, He receives glory. Because we are all members of His body, the church, when one of us suffers in relational tension, every part suffers. (1 Corinthians 12:26) Christ Himself had a few run-ins with those who opposed Him as well as those in His inner circle. When we have misunderstandings or conflict, we share in that kind of suffering. And
working through it to reach understanding and peace requires submission of our agendas and our wills to His, so when it works, He gets the glory! And I don’t share that glory in a sense that I get some of it; I share in the enjoyment of knowing God is lifted up and is getting credit for a relationship that went right!

I have had to do some hard, hard work and some deep soul-searching in the most important relationships in my life. And I can tell you unequivocally that the effort is worth it. Not only would I not still be married if I hadn’t worked through this process, I wouldn’t know how deeply God loves me and cares about how I interact with my brothers and sisters in His family. When I die to myself, admit my failures and ask for forgiveness, or when I have to tell someone how they’ve hurt me so we can move past the issue, I have had to spend significant time with God first. Hearing His voice, sensing His direction and seeing Him get the glory in the end is always worth persevering.

• Read the following Scripture passages and write down (or discuss) what relationship principles you see. What areas do you find coming up in your relationships more frequently than others? Are you willing to go through the process with God and other people to make some changes? What first steps will you take?

~ Ephesians 4:17-5-21 ~ Galatians 5:16-6:14 ~Hebrews 12:14-15

• Read Luke 16:1-13. How does the shrewd manager demonstrate the value of relationships in this life?

Talking Back to God

Growing up in our house as a kid, there weren’t a lot of opportunities to question the rules or insert our opinions into the family plans or behavioral expectations. “Please” and “Thank you” were highly valued, and teachers and parents alike garnered respect and unquestioning acquiescence. Yes, this was partly my first-born personality; but it was also the cultural expectation.

I had friends whose parents were a little more liberal and there were vibrant, robust dialogues going on between kids and adults, often accompanied by yelling and slamming doors. They were expressing themselves. It was open communication. I was very uncomfortable.

Understandably, we come to God with some of our childhood ideas of authority and relationships, so we may read Scripture with that filter and see God as the kind of parent we grew up with. For many, this is an easy transition. For some, a new paradigm must emerge

Here’s a section of Scripture that took me back and caused me to reexamine the concept of “talking back” as opposed to “talking to” God in difficult life situations:

¹⁹One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?" ²⁰But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' “²¹Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? (Romans 9:19-21)

Who are you to talk back to God? What does that even mean? When something in Scripture makes me uncomfortable or makes me question what I already know, I tend to dig deeper. It seemed to me that there were things I’d read that made me believe I could pour out my heart to God – my deepest and most unattractive emotions – and that He cared and could take it all. Then, what’s this about not talking back to God? Am I encouraged to express myself fully or aren’t I?

When I looked up the references to the passage in Romans, I found these verses from Isaiah:

You turn things upside down,

as if the potter were thought to be

like the clay!

Shall what is formed say to him who

formed it,

"He did not make me"?

Can the pot say of the potter,

"He knows nothing"?

⁹ "Woe to him who quarrels with his

Maker,

to him who is but a potsherd among

the potsherds on the ground.

Does the clay say to the potter,

'What are you making?'

Does your work say,

'He has no hands'?

¹¹"This is what the LORD says—

the Holy One of Israel, and its

Maker:

Concerning things to come,

do you question me about my

children,

or give me orders about the work of

my hands? (Isaiah 29:16; 45:9, 11)

If I am the clay and God is the Potter, as is described several times in Scripture, then it sounds like God gets to make decisions about how my life goes and I don’t have the right to question Him. As unappealing as this may sound to those who highly value control, it’s a good thing that God is sovereign. He is perfect and in control; we are not.

So is it true that we can fully vent to God with impunity or do these verses mean that we just have to sit down, shut up, and take what we get from God? As the apostle Paul would say, “By no means!” Instead, Peter encourages us to cast our anxiety on God because He does, in fact, care for us. (1 Peter 5:7) And the psalmist has some very real feelings of dissatisfaction to express to God in this Psalm:

¹My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me,

So far from the words of my groaning?

²O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,

by night, and am not silent. (Psalm 22:1-2)

These are words that Jesus used on the cross to express His feelings of solitude and rejection and they are considered noble expressions of emotion to God. So what’s the difference? Consider the verses that precede Peter’s exhortation to cast our anxiety on God in his letter:

⁵Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” ⁶Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. (1 Peter 5:5-6)

Is it possible that humility serves as a way to calibrate my attitude before God when things aren’t clear or don’t go my way? Does my nose get bent out of shape so I argue with God, get angry, and feel entitled to explanations when my pride isn’t in check? I don’t know what the answer is for you, but for me, it’s a pretty resounding, “uh-huh”. If I’m humble, I’m more likely to cast my anxiety on God and come to Him with real issues, feeling deeply and searching for His perspective. When my pride is rearing its ugly head, I feel more insistent on His explaining things in a way I can understand, or even less appealingly, I feel entitled to get what I want. That sentiment is never held up as a virtue in Scripture.

Jesus promised His disciples rest for their souls if they (and we) would come to Him and learn from Him because He is gentle and humble. (Matthew 11:28-30) We are never promised a life without pain, discomfort, or disappointment, but we can have a life that is free from anxiety. Doesn’t that sound good? But finding peace and rest for my soul requires taking on Jesus’ command and submitting to His teaching and His ways. Soul rest. Complete contentment with my lot in life because my trust in God is solid. Yeah, I want that. I think it might look like this Psalm:

¹ My heart is not proud, O LORD,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

² But I have stilled and quieted my soul;

like a weaned child with its mother,

like a weaned child is my soul within me. (Psalm 131:1-2)

Sovereign Lord, convict me and humble me when my pride short-circuits the transformation process you want to do in me to impact Your Kingdom. You must become greater; I must become less. Amen.

• Read and compare Luke 1:18-20 and Luke 1:34-38. What characteristics to Zechariah and Mary demonstrate? What similarities and differences are there in their encounters with a divine message? Which resonates with you more? Why?

• Read 2 Chronicles 7:13-14, Micah 6:8, Ephesians 4:2, and James 4:6-10. Ask God to reveal the truths of these passages as well as any specific application He may want to bring to your attention. Spend some time thinking about God’s character and His desires in this area of your life.

• This lesson refers to several Scripture references. Do any of them strike a chord with you? Are any enlightening? Would memorizing one or meditating or journaling on one be helpful in drawing you close to God this week?