Do you remember the Fernando character from Saturday Night Live, in the 80's? He was a character Billy Crystal brought to life, and his favorite line was, “It is better to look good than to feel good. And dahling, you look MAHvelous!”
Is it?
Women spend countless dollars trying to do both, but fashion often wins over comfort, right? For example, stilettos, spanx, plastic surgery, make-up, hair color, veneers and bleaching for our teeth, certain clothing (which ironically ends up doing neither, when you have bra straps showing, tight skirts that need constant adjustment, etc.), money on handbags and clothes and sunglasses so that we’re taller, thinner, sexier, more elegant or younger. And do we feel better? In other words, does it work? Is it really true that it’s better to look good than to feel good? It must be or we wouldn’t work so hard to look so good and feel so bad!
So it may be true, but as in so many things in life, the real question should be “is it right?”
Because when we spend time, money and energy trying to appear a certain way to people, what message are we sending? Aren’t we begging the world to believe that we are what we look like? If I were to cover all my grey hair, am I not trying to send a visual message of youth and vitality, which is culturally attractive and highly valued? And by carrying my laptop in a Coach briefcase, am I not saying, “Please believe that I’m competent and successful at what I do?” And lest we bring up the argument that name brands are really about the quality of the product, let’s look at how huge the market for knock-offs is. The estimated counterfeit goods market is a $450 billion a year, global business. (Liza Casabona, “Fighting Knockoffs By Protecting A Brand,” WWD Women’s Wear Daily, February 1, 2006) If statistics like that don’t prove the point that we’re going for the image, I don’t know what will. Doesn’t the very existence of that industry make the point that it’s only the appearance that matters?
And why? It’s been said that women dress for other women. We assess one another. We compete with one another on various levels. We compare ourselves to each other. In Susan Shapiro Barash’s book Tripping the Prom Queen, The Truth About Women and Rivalry, she examines the ways in which women compete. Her premise is that we compete and compare because there’s not enough to go around. Listen to this excerpt from her book, written in 2006:
“The U.S. Census informs us that 64 million women are in the workplace today. Clearly, we’ve finally moved into what was once considered a man’s domain. Yet we’re still earning only seventy-six cents to every man’s dollar. On some level, we know we haven’t yet arrived at full equality, and b/c we’re competing primarily with other women, our sisters seem to be responsible for our straitened circumstances. When you compete for a limited slice of the pie, you naturally tend to focus all your anger on your rivals. But who’s really responsible for restricting the pie supply?
My own sense is that we’ll never overcome the tendency to compete with one another until we focus not on the contest for limited goods but on the larger goal: making more good things available to everyone. Economically, we need better-paying jobs, improved childcare options, and more opportunities for women to advance. Socially, we need more men raised by mothers who believe that women are their equals, more men who are looking for strong women and lasting relationships. Personally, we need to find ways of broadening our standards of attractiveness, so we don’t feel the need to enter ourselves in the perpetual beauty contests that seem to be a key feature of many women’s lives. Winning these measures will lessen the pressure to continually rate our age, our looks, and our fashion savvy against those of every other woman in the room.”
So, Ms Barash thinks that if we have more opportunities, change how men view and treat women, and overhaul the cultural bias of beauty, then we won’t be jealous of and compare ourselves to each other anymore. And then we’ll all be happy in our own skin.
Can I suggest an alternative?
Sin.
Don’t I compare myself to others and work so hard at my appearance because I’m insecure or proud or selfish? And doesn’t that come from a wrong view of my value and placing appearance as a higher priority than the content of my character and the state of my heart?
If I was filled with God’s love and confidence in who He created me to be, wouldn’t I find less to criticize in other women?
If I weren’t consumed with my own needs and desires, wouldn’t I be less concerned with the clothes I’m wearing or being as thin as the starlets on the red carpet?
I am not advocating that Christian women be immediately recognizable as the least attractive women in a room, but there is a limit to what is healthy attention to our outer appearance. There are people living in houses they can’t afford, driving cars they can’t afford, and wearing clothes they can’t afford because they don’t want others to form an opinion of them based on what they can afford.
Can I have a “true confession” moment?
Several years ago, when we were looking for a new car, I found one I loved. It was the standard by which all other cars were to be judged in the future. We got a deal, and it was a couple of models old, so I found myself driving a champagne-colored Mercedes E350 with a delicious cream interior. Trouble was, I had teenage boys getting in and out of that car and we live on a hill that gets slippery with the slightest bit of snow. After a short time I realized that what I was driving did not match my reality and we did the car shopping thing once again.
And I grieved.
I wanted to be a rich, elegant, classy lady in the Benz, when the truth is I’m a middle-class housewife with a son who has a penchant for dirty, off-road activities. My outer vehicle appearance had to match reality. Who am I?
I am a grey Subaru Outback.
Here’s something interesting that the apostle Paul has to say about comparisons:
“We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves to themselves, the are not wise.” (2 Corinthians 10:12)
The context includes people who are bragging about their work in ministry. But the concept can be applied to almost any area of life, as I see it. Comparing ourselves to anyone or anything other than God’s holy and perfect standards for our lives is not wise,whether it's a spiritual comparison, a comparison of physical beauty, or comparing the car we drive.
Why is it unwise to compare ourselves to each other? There are three reasons that come to mind immediately. See if they resonate with you.
1. We can’t win. There’s always someone prettier, funnier, smarter, more successful, or better at whatever we attempt. So unless we’re willing to spend our entire lives keeping score, we may as well give up the competition now. And like I’ve learned in marriage, you can either keep score or you can be happy. In this case you could also say, you can keep score or you can be free. You can’t do both.
2. We isolate ourselves. If you’re my competition, it’s disingenuous for me to have intimacy in our relationship. I must keep you at a distance, and then I lose the potential for friendship and growth that I could have if I wasn’t entered in the contest against you. Instead of support and encouragement from one another, we are left alone to feel like freaks or work our behinds off trying to win some imaginary life contest.
3. We use relative standards that aren’t absolute. When we compare ourselves – in appearance or otherwise – to each other, we’re ignoring huge mandates in Scripture that tell us how to live and have relationship. And culturally, those standards outside of Scripture keep changing. How many of us have wished to have been alive when Rubens was painting women? J Those buxom, shapely women of the 16th century had it going on! And the beauty standard in Mauritania is the bigger the better! Time and location determine the standard of external beauty, whereas God determines our value internally.
So instead of comparing ourselves to arbitrary standards and each other, what if we relied on what God says? Not only about our appearance, but about our inner beauty?
Here are some passages of Scripture that speak to this dichotomy of the world's view and God's. See which of these truths needs to be more central in your life.
“But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’” (1 Samuel 16:7)
“Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.” (1 Peter 3:1-5)
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:28-34)
“Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.” (Proverbs 11:22)
“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:13-16)
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” (Proverbs 31:30)
So instead of worrying about or placing our value in outward things like accessories or being thin, or having flawless skin, what are the things we can concentrate on that truly define us? How can we make the switch and stay committed to God’s values? Here are some points that may help us keep the right perspective:
1. God created us perfectly, just the way He wanted to. (Psalm 139) Genetics, birthmarks, saddle bags, crazy hair and eye color are all part of the DNA He designed for us and it’s all good. We can work with what we’ve got, but our bodies are our bodies. The days they work as they should is a day to be celebrated and to thank God, not focus on the parts or functions that don’t please us. Millions of cells have to operate in miraculous perfection for us to take a breath and open our eyes in the morning. We are magnificent creations! And the older we are, the more we appreciate that!
2. Our identity is determined by Who created us, not the details of the creation. God is our Maker. We are made in His image of beauty, holiness, and love. It is those inner qualities that make us unique and lovely. I am beautiful because I belong to God and He created me to live and grow in His image. I am my beloved’s and He is mine. (Song of Songs 6:3)
3. I am God’s temple and His workmanship. Because the Holy Spirit lives in me and Christ bought my life with His, my responsibility is to live my life to the fullest with the priorities that God gave me. I’m to be healthy and balanced in my physical body. I’m to keep toxic things from entering my body. I’m to engage in pure relationships and to use my energy to serve God and please Him in everything I do. My life is a living sacrifice. (1 Cor. 3:16; Eph 2:10, Rom 12:1)
When we compare ourselves to ourselves we are not wise. I will never, ever, ever look like Heidi Klum. I could dye my hair, stop eating and exercise until the cows come home, have plastic surgery and buy all the right designer clothes. But in the very best case scenario, I am an imitation. God didn’t make me to look like her, did He? Or to have her talents, her family, her career, etc. I’m me. I was waiting for a friend in a medical office one day a few years ago and I was reading a magazine interview with Heidi Klum. Someone had written in asking if it was possible to look like her after having her own baby. I loved her answer. She said something like, be realistic. What did you look like before you got pregnant? Even she must know how genetically gifted she is to have had as many children as she’s had and still to be able to wear lingerie in public for a living. Dang!
This idea of looking to our appearance for our identity goes deeper than just our clothing or our physical bodies. You get that right? It’s about the effort we make to convince people of something by outward appearance that goes against the internal values God has for us to live out. It’s about faking competence instead of working hard. It’s about not revealing true feelings for fear of appearing overly emotional. It’s about internal dialog that tears others down because we see their outward appearance and judge their hearts.
It’s about completely realigning our priorities by embracing our identities in Christ.
Only when I am secure in who I was made to be can I release the pressure I put on myself and others to appear a certain way.
It may, in fact be better to look good than to feel good. But I believe God would have us be good – be good to each other, be good in our own skin b/c we’re loved and valued, and be good at living our lives with a focus on our hearts so that we please Him in everything we do.
Then, dahling, you will look mahvelous!
