Pleasing Men or Pleasing God?

According to Milan and Kay Yerkovich, authors of How We Love, there are five love styles we all bring to our adult relationships that are based on how we grew up. One of the styles is called The Pleaser. Some of The Pleaser’s characteristics are:

• They have built in radar to read the moods and emotional temperature of others.

• They will make any effort to try and prevent others from becoming angry because it makes them very anxious to have others mad and upset.

• They tend to take responsibility for feelings and moods of everyone around them.

In short, Pleasers will do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict and confrontation. They want everyone to be happy. If this style resonates with you, you already know that trying to please people in this way doesn’t work very well in alleviating anxiety or in keeping peace. Instead, Pleasers may find themselves lying, manipulating or resisting those they love in order to avoid negative interactions. As Christians we know this is no way to live in relationships. There is a better way.

What if we were so secure in our understanding and appreciation of our position as a valuable member of God’s family that we could replace our desire to please other people with a stronger, more focused desire to please HIM? Could that transform our relationships and liberate us to speak real truth to one another and to ourselves? What would life be like if we could transfer our deepest desire to win the approval of others to attempting to live in such a way that our goal is to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant” from our Father? What a transformation that would be!

Look at what Jesus had to say about this very connection:

²⁸Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. ²⁹Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. ³⁰And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

³²"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. ³³But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven…

³⁷"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; ³⁸and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. ³⁹Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:28-33; 37-39)

If it’s true that human nature dictates that we try to please those we love and/or those we fear, who should occupy those positions above God Himself? His love for us is abundantly described in Scripture: He is our Creator, Redeemer, Counselor, Father, and Comforter. From the planets in the universe to the hairs on our heads, He is in control. He raised the dead and knit us together, chromosome by chromosome in our mother’s womb. Does a stronger example of love and power exist? I submit that it does not.

Let's take a look at some of Paul's writing in this subject. He was a powerful, charismatic, zealous, intelligent man who was dramatically transformed in his direction and purpose when he had his encounter with Christ on the road to Damascus (Acts 9). He was considered the crême de la crême of Jewish leadership and was on the fast track to religious success. But once he came to know God and understand and love Him, he counted all of that as a loss compared to knowing Christ. (Philippians 3:4-8) Look at what he reveals in this area of our Christian lives:

We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. ⁵You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed—God is our witness. ⁶We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else. (1 Thessalonians 2:4-6)

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

And Jesus tried to explain His motivation for following God and not kowtowing to the Pharisees in this way:

He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him. (John 7:18)

Both of these men communicated a clear sense of calling and purpose by stating that God was their only source of approval. Paul goes so far as to say that if he were trying to please men - to impress them or earn their seal of approval - it would be contrary to his identity as a servant of Christ. That distinction makes me ask the following question:

Is it accurate to say that being motivated by the approval of others is a sin since we are supposed to be motivated by the approval of God? And if we think of pleasing people instead of God as sin, not just an unfortunate glitch in our personalities, can that help us clarify and alter our attitude in this area?

Practically speaking, the key connection is this: I can only walk in the confidence of God, striving to please only Him, when I understand and appreciate my value to Him and His love for me. And there is no way to cultivate that confidence other than by spending time with Him. That means reading and knowing the Word He gave to us, which is full of His love and truth to guide us. It means committing to times of silence and solitude to hear from and be transformed by the Holy Spirit. It means keeping short lists of sins to confess and being willing to repent and change when convicted. These practices place us in a position to hear from God and the love relationship grows. And when we see God for who He is and recognize the magnanimous and overwhelming gesture He made in redeeming us by the blood of His only Son, we will become increasingly aware of a connection that transcends the approval of others.

Hebrews 11 is often referred to as the "Hall of Faith" as it lists several prominent God-followers who had great faith to believe God for what seemed impossible. What if we could exchange our people-pleasing tendencies with a lifestyle that could be described like Enoch?

"By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God." (Hebrews 11:5)

Or to aspire to the kind of relationship Jesus describes between Him and His Father when He said:

"The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him." (John 8:29)

I always do what pleases God. What words to describe a life. Oh, that they would describe me someday. Lord, transform us and teach us so that we fully grasp your love for us and your desires for our lives so that we can pursue you wholeheartedly and always do what pleases you, leaving the need for others' approval at the foot of the cross. Amen.

• Do you relate to the Pleaser described in the opening paragraph? If so, have you found this type of relating to others to be satisfying? How has it caused stress or pain in your relationships? What steps can you take to break free from this?

• Read Psalm 104:33-35, Psalm 147:10-11, Proverbs 15:8, Romans 12:1-2, Hebrews 13:20-21, and 1 Timothy 2:1-6. What are some things listed that please God? How can you begin to add those to your life?

• Reread Matthew 10:37-39. God is not suggesting we love each other less, but that we love Him more. How can we cultivate that love relationship so it grows? What practical steps can you take this week to increase your love for God?

Helping Others and Changing Ourselves

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ~Leo Tolstoy

The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: "If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?" But... the good Samaritan reversed the question: "If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?" ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

There is a multi-layered, complex tension between what we are personally responsible for our in our spiritual growth and what role we play in others’ lives as they pursue God. At times in our walks with God we are called to personal reflection and solitude to hear from God and move in obedience. At other times, the Holy Spirit prompts us to enter into service and relationship with others so that His glory becomes evident in our lives and to the world.

How can we carry each other’s burdens while still carrying our own? How can we be individuals but still be part of the whole? And how can we guard against thinking we are something we’re not, but still take pride in ourselves? Paul’s letter to the Galatians has a section that addresses these questions and I’ve been wrestling with it for a while now. Here it is:

¹Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. ²Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. ³If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. ⁴Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, ⁵for each one should carry his own load.

⁶Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.

⁷Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. ⁸The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. ⁹Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ¹⁰Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. (Galatians 6:1-10)

Every time I read this part of Paul’s letter I think, “Tricky, tricky balance.” It’s a tricky balance between individual responsibility and reciprocal accountability. Between checking behavior and checking motivation. Between living as my own unique creation and allowing other believers to speak into my life and have influence on my spiritual growth. Regardless of the pictures in our minds associated with this letter, there are several things in it that merit inspection.

A breakdown of the balance between personal and reciprocal responsibility might look like this:

Personal Responsibility

A. Watch yourself (6:1) – Others may warn us, but we alone are responsible for putting up boundaries and structure for protection or growth in our spiritual journeys. And it behooves us to be proactive. Paul’s warning is really against thinking we’re so high and mighty that we’ll never need the grace, patience and forgiveness we’re extending to someone else today. That’s dangerous pride that precedes an inevitable fall.

B. Test your own actions (6:4) – This requires time alone with God to hear His Spirit convicting us of words spoken in haste or too harshly, sinful behaviors, or patterns that are detrimental to growth in the ways laid out in Scripture. It also necessitates vulnerable and authentic relationships with other believers so that they can speak into my life and make me aware of sin that I don’t see.

C. Carry your own load (6:5) – No one can do the heart work necessary to lay out old wounds and process my feelings of anger, sadness, resentment or fear except me. I can take others with me to a certain extent as I invite them to pray for me, speak honestly to me, and listen actively to my story, but I will stand alone before God someday and give account for the life I’ve lived and the way I’ve loved. There are places only He and I can go, and I alone can take responsibility for being healthy and whole so I can give to others.

D. Take pride in yourself (6:4) – The Bible speaks so often of pride in a negative light that it seems counterintuitive to see it commended in any context. The pride Paul refers to here is a content satisfaction in knowing who I am because I have sought God and heard Him. Instead of wanting to be more like someone else and bemoaning my lot in life because I don’t have what she has or look like she does, I press into God and ask Him who I am and what I’m doing on this earth. That kind of pride is God-confidence and we can walk with our heads held high, knowing that our identity and purpose are sure and that we are loved beyond our comprehension. Then, and only then, am I free to engage others without defense or pretense because I have nothing to hide and nothing to lose.

E. Reap what you sow (6:7) – We can only persevere in doing good or obeying God in the course of a lifetime if we are properly motivated. Paul says in this passage that we reap destruction when we are motivated by our own sinful, short-term pleasure, but that we reap eternal life – abundant, satisfying life – when we are motivated to please the One who guides and convicts us. Eternal life begins now, and we can only hope to reap a harvest of righteousness and joy when we continually seek time in God’s Presence to understand and know Him. The more we know Him, the more we will love Him. And the more we love Him, the more natural it becomes to do what pleases Him.

Reciprocal Responsibility

A. Restore each other after sinning (6:1) - Look at how the chapter begins: Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. Once we’ve grown some and become “spiritual”, or in tune with the Spirit, we can come alongside those who have fallen to equip and restore them into obedience. The verb tense indicates the necessity for endurance and patience in the process. The word itself implies that we are to use deliberate kindness in their restoration. The goal is God’s glory, not an individual’s humiliation or condemnation. But we are definitely called to help each other, not to ignore and tolerate sin.

B. Carry each other’s burdens (6:2) – Sometimes life’s trials are too much to carry alone and we are encouraged to help each other when it’s just too hard. This may include interceding in prayer, helping others financially, lending a hand to physical labor, or actively engaging as a listener to relieve another’s pain. It doesn’t mean one who is struggling can disengage from his or her own trials, but that as each of us leans on God to carry the load, we can get help from others, too. Jesus said that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. When we go to His strength and His perspective with our heavy hearts, He often brings others around us to comfort and help.

C. Exchange knowledge and good things (6:6) – As someone who has led Bible studies and walked with younger Christians as they discover the truths of God’s Word, I can tell you that sometimes the best of the “good things” a learner can share is their joy of learning. It is an honor to be included in the triumphs and trials of a life when one is navigating the waters of spiritual growth. This concept can also be applied to giving financial support to one who is devoted to teaching others so that they are free to pursue the gift God has given them without the distraction of a second job.

D. Do good to each other (6:10) – Could this be any clearer? This last verse of the section implies being proactive in looking for opportunities to bless those around us. And if we take care to be properly connected to and motivated by the Holy Spirit, God will bring those opportunities to us and we will rise to the occasion. James 2:17 says, “faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” Our love for God and understanding of His grace and power in our lives should compel us to reach out to others and build them up.

Changing the world and changing ourselves. Can we separate the two? And can we do either without the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives? I submit that we cannot.

May the words of Scripture encourage and inspire us to pursue God with all our hearts and all our actions this week. And may He speak clearly to us and remind us of His great love for us.

• Reread Galatians 6:2. What is “the law of Christ”? How does it connect to the concepts in this passage? (You may want to also look at Matthew 22:35-38 and Luke 10:25-37 to see what Jesus said.)

• Which category seems like a bigger challenge to you: taking personal responsibility or helping others? Why? Where can you look in Scripture for further meditation in this area? (Suggestion: the book of James has some very practical applications of spiritual topics. And 1 and 2 Corinthians talk a lot about relationships.)

Times of Peace Intro

This is an introduction I recorded for a group who is starting my Bible Study, "Building in Times of Peace".

Sanctified By The Word

Think about what you’d like to change about yourself. Not just some of the superficial or inconvenient characteristics you may tolerate on a daily basis. I’m not talking about wishing you were taller or had a whiter smile or that you were a better singer. Take a moment to dig a little deeper to the heart issues that may plague your relationships or keep you from experiencing the truly abundant life Jesus promised. (John 10:10) Lying, insecurity, overindulgence, control issues, compulsions, selfishness. When you look back a few years, do you see growth? Are you different today than you were five years ago? Ten years ago? And how would you like to be five or ten years from now in those areas? If you’re like me, some days you feel like a new person entirely and other days it seems that nothing has changed at all. If you’re not like me in that regard, I envy you. I long for consistent growth toward my potential without the setbacks.

The process of becoming more and more what we were created to be is called sanctification. Becoming holy. Set apart from evil and devoted to God. We were knit together in our mother’s womb to reflect God’s glory and live in relationship with our Creator. But we were born into a sinful world with sinful tendencies and we all fall short of the beauty and delight we will enjoy in Heaven. With this life as a training ground for how and where we’ll spend eternity, we are invited to engage and participate in the process of becoming better and better reflections of God’s original plan for us.

So how does this work? And how can we enter into the process and become active participants?

Embrace Christ – The only way to begin the transformation process is to enter into a relationship with Christ by faith, and begin to walk in the truth and forgiveness He alone can offer. He is the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Him. (John 14:6) Apart from Christ you can do nothing; and that includes pursuing a life of righteousness and holiness. (John 15:5)

Engage the Word – Paul wrote these words to Timothy, his young protégé: ^“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17) Jesus’ prayer for His disciples was that the Father would use the truth of His Word to make them more holy. (John 17:17) The only way to be in a place where we can be sanctified by the Word is to open our Bibles and make the Word a priority. Then we can know God’s will, be equipped to teach others, and see our journey through a perspective of objective truth, even when our circumstances or emotions may be fluctuating wildly.

Encounter the Spirit – When we practice spiritual disciplines like reading our Bibles and praying, we place ourselves in a position to hear from God and be open to and aware of the Holy Spirit’s power in our lives. ^“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (2 Corinthians 3:17-18) It is God’s Spirit that makes us more like Christ. (John 16) He guides the process that brings us into alignment with God’s standards, setting us apart from the sin that distracts us and molding us into the servants He wants us to be.

Then, when all the spiritual pistons are firing, we find a rhythm to life that brings joy in trials, growth in relationships, and purpose in our pursuits.

Take a look at these examples of how the prophet Jeremiah demonstrates an inextricable link between his identity as God’s child and knowing and loving His Word:

⁸ Whenever I speak, I cry out 


proclaiming violence and destruction. 


So the word of the LORD has brought me 


insult and reproach all day long.

⁹ But if I say, "I will not mention him 


or speak any more in his name," 


his word is in my heart like a fire, 


a fire shut up in my bones. 


I am weary of holding it in; 


indeed, I cannot. (Jeremiah 20:8-9)

When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty. (Jeremiah 15:16)

And the author who wrote the longest psalm in the Bible about God’s Word:

“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” (Psalm 119:11)

“My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times.” (119:20)

^“33 Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;

then I will keep them to the end.

³⁴ Give me understanding, and I will keep your law 


and obey it with all my heart.

³⁵ Direct me in the path of your commands, 


for there I find delight.

³⁶ Turn my heart toward your statutes 


and not toward selfish gain.

³⁷ Turn my eyes away from worthless things; 


preserve my life according to your word.

³⁸ Fulfill your promise to your servant, 


so that you may be feared.

³⁹ Take away the disgrace I dread, 


for your laws are good.

⁴⁰ How I long for your precepts! 


Preserve my life in your righteousness.” (119:33-40)

“Your statutes are my heritage forever;

they are the joy of my heart.” (119:111)

Both these men saw the strong bond between God’s Word and His calling on their lives to be the individuals He created them to be. Whether God was telling Jeremiah to pass along His message of wrath to His disobedient children, or if He was revealing His plan of redemption and restoration, the interaction with God and His Word changed the person He spoke to. That is true for us as well. When we engage God’s Word, allowing it to seep into the deepest parts of us, and seeing life through the perspective of perfect truth and holiness, we are changed. We are sanctified by the Word of truth. God’s truth becomes our truth, and our love for Him and His Word grows as we become like Him.

The 18^th century British pastor and Bible commentator, Matthew Henry, wrote this concerning the concept of sanctification by the Word:

Those that through grace are sanctified have need to be sanctified more and more. Even disciples must pray for sanctifying grace; for, if he that was the author of the good work be not the finisher of it, we are undone. Not to go forward is to go backward; he that is holy must be holy still, more holy still, pressing forward, soaring upward, as those that have not attained. …That all needful truth should be comprised and summed up in the word of God. Divine revelation, as it now stands in the written word, is not only pure truth without mixture, but entire truth without deficiency. (Commentary on John 17:17)

May we all strive to be more and more conformed to the image of the One who redeemed us for His glory. And may we all be sanctified by the Word of Truth as we submit to its precepts and incorporate its beauty into our lives. And may God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Thessalonians 5:23)

• Read all of Psalm 119. (It’s a long one!) Highlight or write in a journal verses that describe the author’s attitude toward God’s Word. (This may also include words like law, precepts, statutes, commands, etc.) What words (both actions and attitudes) are associated with God’s Law? Which ones resonate with you? Why? Which seem foreign, but attractive to you? Why?

• Read John 17:14-19. Spend some time pondering the concept of sanctification as laid out by Jesus in this prayer. What does this process look like? How does it feel to be a part of it and experience it? What evidence of these concepts do you see in your own life?

Growing Pains

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?!” Once again, she struggled to help him pull off the ill fitting boots. He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots….”

Does working on difficult relationships ever feel like this to anyone but me? Just when I’m reaching an understanding of someone or have made peace with certain expectations, a conversation needs to take place to clarify or express, and the terrain gets rocky again.

I came across this quote in a book I’m reading on relationships, and I wonder if you can get behind this sentiment:

“The trade-off of current uneasiness for the awkward pain of growth is
the promise of future relief.” (How We Love, Yerkovich, p. 299)

These authors make it sound like it’s going to be hard either way: if you stay where you are in relational dysfunction with people or if you choose to move forward and gain understanding and change as a person. I have found that to be true; have you? Here’s a bit of Scripture that I have been living with over the past couple of weeks that has been encouraging in this area:

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,

live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)

Do you know what I love about it? It’s a perfect balance of a high standard of relational accountability with the freedom of reality. I have to do everything in my power, as God leads me, to live peaceably with everyone in my life. That’s my responsibility, period. And sometimes that’s exhausting. What’s also true is that sometimes it’s not possible, and sometimes it’s not up to me. Whew, right? Except that both of those scenarios can be painful, whether I’m
giving up my expectations on a relationship because I’ve been hurt or misunderstood so the relationship ends or I’m digging deep to find words to express myself and risking rejection, derision or more pain, but the relationship evolves.

So how do we know if we’ve done everything that depends on us to live at peace? How do I know if anything is required of me at all? And what’s wrong with just writing people off when the going gets tough so you can move on to greener relational pastures? If only a relationship with God was a formula. Then I could insert the flow chart below and we’d never have to press into God to listen to His Spirit in each individual situation we face. Oh, wait. Then we’d miss out on the relationship! That’s precisely why there is no formula!

Here are some principles that have helped me in messy relationships and led me toward resolution more often than dissolution. This is not an exhaustive list; just some helpful points.

1. Check yourself. This is the phase of the process that has to do with the “as far as it depends on you” part of the verse in Romans and must come first. Before any kind of fierce conversations can take place, I need to know my heart is in the right place. I ask God things like, “Why am I having this reaction?” “What is this feeling and where is it coming from?” “What did I do to cause this situation?” “What perspective am I not seeing?” “Is my expression of my feelings crucial to the health of the relationship?” “What do you want me to do or say?” If we never move beyond this step in our relationships, we still win.

2. Speak the truth in love. Once you’ve gone through the process of asking God to reveal your heart and asking Him to reveal His, you will be in a better position to say what’s on your mind. It’s ok to have feelings, but not everyone needs to know all of them all the time. If I’ve hashed them out with God, who cares more than anyone, I’m free to say only what needs to be said for clarification. I can express hurt, ask questions, and respond when the real working out of the situation has already happened between me and God.

3. Be real. Be clear. Be kind. As believers, we are all members of the body of Christ, and as such we are responsible for encouraging, challenging and loving each other as God’s Spirit prompts and convicts us. Speaking our minds doesn’t have to be cruel. Taking our time to allow God to give us just the right words (or to clamp our mouths shut) is one way to “restore each other gently” (Galatians 6:1) and move the relationship toward a deeper, more satisfying place.

4. Give the benefit of the doubt. Especially if there is a misunderstanding or tension between believers, we have to extend some grace to each other. If I’m trying to love my neighbor as myself, why would I assume that you’re not making the same effort?

5. Release. When we’ve consulted God, examined our hearts, and spoken the truth in love, sometimes we need to release the results and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes we need to release the relationship.

It’s not ok to leave things the way they stand when there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Awkwardness turns into resentment, anger and bitterness, which are seeds of division in the body of Christ. (Hebrews 12:14-15) But how we approach these tender situations can only be determined by a thorough examination of our own motives and a solid connection to the One who knows us and wants His children to live in peace. Conflict is one way God refines our character and challenges us to press into Him, developing our trust in Him along the way. When viewed from that perspective, it’s not all bad.

There are myriad methods of clearing up the messy bits in friendships, marriages, and other significant connections we have with each other. Sometimes we need to be direct with each other and lay out the issues clearly to get to the heart of an issue. Sometimes we need to bite our tongues. Sometimes God will reveal a creative and innovative way of arriving at resolution. But here’s the pay off verse I want to end on:

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” (Romans 8:17)

When we work through our feelings and issues with others as we go to God, asking Him to reveal Himself in the process, He receives glory. Because we are all members of His body, the church, when one of us suffers in relational tension, every part suffers. (1 Corinthians 12:26) Christ Himself had a few run-ins with those who opposed Him as well as those in His inner circle. When we have misunderstandings or conflict, we share in that kind of suffering. And
working through it to reach understanding and peace requires submission of our agendas and our wills to His, so when it works, He gets the glory! And I don’t share that glory in a sense that I get some of it; I share in the enjoyment of knowing God is lifted up and is getting credit for a relationship that went right!

I have had to do some hard, hard work and some deep soul-searching in the most important relationships in my life. And I can tell you unequivocally that the effort is worth it. Not only would I not still be married if I hadn’t worked through this process, I wouldn’t know how deeply God loves me and cares about how I interact with my brothers and sisters in His family. When I die to myself, admit my failures and ask for forgiveness, or when I have to tell someone how they’ve hurt me so we can move past the issue, I have had to spend significant time with God first. Hearing His voice, sensing His direction and seeing Him get the glory in the end is always worth persevering.

• Read the following Scripture passages and write down (or discuss) what relationship principles you see. What areas do you find coming up in your relationships more frequently than others? Are you willing to go through the process with God and other people to make some changes? What first steps will you take?

~ Ephesians 4:17-5-21 ~ Galatians 5:16-6:14 ~Hebrews 12:14-15

• Read Luke 16:1-13. How does the shrewd manager demonstrate the value of relationships in this life?

Talking Back to God

Growing up in our house as a kid, there weren’t a lot of opportunities to question the rules or insert our opinions into the family plans or behavioral expectations. “Please” and “Thank you” were highly valued, and teachers and parents alike garnered respect and unquestioning acquiescence. Yes, this was partly my first-born personality; but it was also the cultural expectation.

I had friends whose parents were a little more liberal and there were vibrant, robust dialogues going on between kids and adults, often accompanied by yelling and slamming doors. They were expressing themselves. It was open communication. I was very uncomfortable.

Understandably, we come to God with some of our childhood ideas of authority and relationships, so we may read Scripture with that filter and see God as the kind of parent we grew up with. For many, this is an easy transition. For some, a new paradigm must emerge

Here’s a section of Scripture that took me back and caused me to reexamine the concept of “talking back” as opposed to “talking to” God in difficult life situations:

¹⁹One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?" ²⁰But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' “²¹Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? (Romans 9:19-21)

Who are you to talk back to God? What does that even mean? When something in Scripture makes me uncomfortable or makes me question what I already know, I tend to dig deeper. It seemed to me that there were things I’d read that made me believe I could pour out my heart to God – my deepest and most unattractive emotions – and that He cared and could take it all. Then, what’s this about not talking back to God? Am I encouraged to express myself fully or aren’t I?

When I looked up the references to the passage in Romans, I found these verses from Isaiah:

You turn things upside down,

as if the potter were thought to be

like the clay!

Shall what is formed say to him who

formed it,

"He did not make me"?

Can the pot say of the potter,

"He knows nothing"?

⁹ "Woe to him who quarrels with his

Maker,

to him who is but a potsherd among

the potsherds on the ground.

Does the clay say to the potter,

'What are you making?'

Does your work say,

'He has no hands'?

¹¹"This is what the LORD says—

the Holy One of Israel, and its

Maker:

Concerning things to come,

do you question me about my

children,

or give me orders about the work of

my hands? (Isaiah 29:16; 45:9, 11)

If I am the clay and God is the Potter, as is described several times in Scripture, then it sounds like God gets to make decisions about how my life goes and I don’t have the right to question Him. As unappealing as this may sound to those who highly value control, it’s a good thing that God is sovereign. He is perfect and in control; we are not.

So is it true that we can fully vent to God with impunity or do these verses mean that we just have to sit down, shut up, and take what we get from God? As the apostle Paul would say, “By no means!” Instead, Peter encourages us to cast our anxiety on God because He does, in fact, care for us. (1 Peter 5:7) And the psalmist has some very real feelings of dissatisfaction to express to God in this Psalm:

¹My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me,

So far from the words of my groaning?

²O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,

by night, and am not silent. (Psalm 22:1-2)

These are words that Jesus used on the cross to express His feelings of solitude and rejection and they are considered noble expressions of emotion to God. So what’s the difference? Consider the verses that precede Peter’s exhortation to cast our anxiety on God in his letter:

⁵Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” ⁶Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. (1 Peter 5:5-6)

Is it possible that humility serves as a way to calibrate my attitude before God when things aren’t clear or don’t go my way? Does my nose get bent out of shape so I argue with God, get angry, and feel entitled to explanations when my pride isn’t in check? I don’t know what the answer is for you, but for me, it’s a pretty resounding, “uh-huh”. If I’m humble, I’m more likely to cast my anxiety on God and come to Him with real issues, feeling deeply and searching for His perspective. When my pride is rearing its ugly head, I feel more insistent on His explaining things in a way I can understand, or even less appealingly, I feel entitled to get what I want. That sentiment is never held up as a virtue in Scripture.

Jesus promised His disciples rest for their souls if they (and we) would come to Him and learn from Him because He is gentle and humble. (Matthew 11:28-30) We are never promised a life without pain, discomfort, or disappointment, but we can have a life that is free from anxiety. Doesn’t that sound good? But finding peace and rest for my soul requires taking on Jesus’ command and submitting to His teaching and His ways. Soul rest. Complete contentment with my lot in life because my trust in God is solid. Yeah, I want that. I think it might look like this Psalm:

¹ My heart is not proud, O LORD,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

² But I have stilled and quieted my soul;

like a weaned child with its mother,

like a weaned child is my soul within me. (Psalm 131:1-2)

Sovereign Lord, convict me and humble me when my pride short-circuits the transformation process you want to do in me to impact Your Kingdom. You must become greater; I must become less. Amen.

• Read and compare Luke 1:18-20 and Luke 1:34-38. What characteristics to Zechariah and Mary demonstrate? What similarities and differences are there in their encounters with a divine message? Which resonates with you more? Why?

• Read 2 Chronicles 7:13-14, Micah 6:8, Ephesians 4:2, and James 4:6-10. Ask God to reveal the truths of these passages as well as any specific application He may want to bring to your attention. Spend some time thinking about God’s character and His desires in this area of your life.

• This lesson refers to several Scripture references. Do any of them strike a chord with you? Are any enlightening? Would memorizing one or meditating or journaling on one be helpful in drawing you close to God this week?

Mutual Encouragement

A dear friend of ours used to jokingly say, “Be encouraged!” when things just couldn’t get any worse. It was our way of laughing at the unbelievable pressure of a given situation when there was no prospect of an immediate solution or relief.

There are some among us who are naturally gifted encouragers. They have a knack for seeing the best in people in calling it out of them. They challenge others. They reassure. They inspire hope and confidence, emboldening and stimulating those around them to reach for more. To keep trusting God, even when He seems far away and silent.

But even for those of us who are not prone to encouragement, we are called to it. Just as not everyone has the gift of generosity, but we are all called to give. Not all have the gift of celibacy, but all are called to purity. Encouragement is energy – a deep breath to gather strength to continue – that keeps the body of Christ moving. It implies deep connections and participation in the lives of people God has surrounded us with.

As I’ve contemplated encouragement recently, I’ve been thinking of some people who encourage me. Here’s a brief, but heartfelt list (by no means complete) of ways my spirit has been urged along in life:

• Authors – Political, religious, and secular writers make me think beyond conventional wisdom and theology. Whether the thought comes from an author/pastor or a political extremist, God’s truth is strong and can bear up under the scrutiny of inquiring minds. I am encouraged by those who have taken the time and energy to question the status quo and urge me to do the same.

• Sure Friends – I have friends who are very sure of their beliefs and of theological issues and they encourage me to dig deep into what I believe Scripture says. I’m not threatened by their confidence; I’m inspired by it.

• Vulnerable Friends – A have a few friends, conversely, who encourage me by their very struggle to do the right thing and hear God in the midst of their struggles. I’m honored that one young friend in particular allows me to participate in her process as she looks at tough personal issues, trying to seek God and please Him, as she begins her relationship with Him. I want to do that, too.

• Active Friends – These friends live by the Nike slogan – “Just Do It”! My husband thought he could do what he was doing better on his own than working for someone else. So he started his own business. My best friend felt God prompting her to get involved with the poor so she organized a multi-church food drive and began tutoring in an adult literacy program. One friend (I love this!) chooses one Cuppa Joe lesson and gathers a group of women from her church once a month to discuss it in a coffee shop.

Here are a couple of bites of Scripture that have had me thinking this week. See what they stir up in you:

¹¹I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong— ¹²that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith. (Romans 1:11-12, NIV)

²⁴And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. ²⁵Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Hebrews 10:24-25, NIV)

In the verses from Romans, Paul reveals his very relational and passionate tendencies in doing God’s work. He often tells the recipients of his letters how much he loves and misses them, and the beginning of his letter to the Roman Christians is no exception. And his desire to impart some spiritual gift to make them strong isn’t hubris; it’s from God. He doesn’t want the instruction or encouragement to be one-way. He wants his experience with this group of believers to be mutually encouraging. That’s kingdom life in community! To be encouraged by each other’s faith. I hope my belief in God and what I’m learning in my time in Scripture will lead me to live my life and speak words that encourage you to press into Him. To make you want to pursue God more passionately and live more purposefully. And I want that from you, too.

The writer of Hebrews challenges us to be proactive in considering how we can encourage one another. He uses a word in the NIV that doesn’t occur anywhere else in the Bible: spur on. Look at these other translations of the same passage:

²⁴And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (ESV)

²⁴And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:

²⁵Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. (KJV)

Stir up. Provoke. Maybe part of the encouragement process might be uncomfortable. What do you think? It might be hard to encourage someone in an area of her spiritual journey that gets messy. Or that you don’t understand completely. Or makes you have to say things that are true, but hard to hear. Yes, encouragement can mean saying, “You can do it!” But it can also mean saying, “Stop doing this!”

We are meant to live in community. That’s not just a Christian thing. That’s a human thing. We are social creatures and sometimes society gets stuck. (That’s an understatement, isn’t it?) In the body of Christ, we can encourage one another in all the ways – big and small – that make us more like the people God created us to be.

• Who has encouraged you in your faith or in your pursuits recently? Who makes you think harder and dig deeper? Who are you doing that for? Ask God to reveal those relationships this week.

• Where would you go in Scripture to encourage someone in the following areas:

~ Forgiveness ~ Marriage struggles ~ Injustice

• How has “Cuppa Joe” encouraged you? What lessons have challenged you? What did you do with that?