Pleasing Men or Pleasing God?

According to Milan and Kay Yerkovich, authors of How We Love, there are five love styles we all bring to our adult relationships that are based on how we grew up. One of the styles is called The Pleaser. Some of The Pleaser’s characteristics are:

• They have built in radar to read the moods and emotional temperature of others.

• They will make any effort to try and prevent others from becoming angry because it makes them very anxious to have others mad and upset.

• They tend to take responsibility for feelings and moods of everyone around them.

In short, Pleasers will do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict and confrontation. They want everyone to be happy. If this style resonates with you, you already know that trying to please people in this way doesn’t work very well in alleviating anxiety or in keeping peace. Instead, Pleasers may find themselves lying, manipulating or resisting those they love in order to avoid negative interactions. As Christians we know this is no way to live in relationships. There is a better way.

What if we were so secure in our understanding and appreciation of our position as a valuable member of God’s family that we could replace our desire to please other people with a stronger, more focused desire to please HIM? Could that transform our relationships and liberate us to speak real truth to one another and to ourselves? What would life be like if we could transfer our deepest desire to win the approval of others to attempting to live in such a way that our goal is to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant” from our Father? What a transformation that would be!

Look at what Jesus had to say about this very connection:

²⁸Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. ²⁹Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. ³⁰And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

³²"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. ³³But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven…

³⁷"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; ³⁸and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. ³⁹Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:28-33; 37-39)

If it’s true that human nature dictates that we try to please those we love and/or those we fear, who should occupy those positions above God Himself? His love for us is abundantly described in Scripture: He is our Creator, Redeemer, Counselor, Father, and Comforter. From the planets in the universe to the hairs on our heads, He is in control. He raised the dead and knit us together, chromosome by chromosome in our mother’s womb. Does a stronger example of love and power exist? I submit that it does not.

Let's take a look at some of Paul's writing in this subject. He was a powerful, charismatic, zealous, intelligent man who was dramatically transformed in his direction and purpose when he had his encounter with Christ on the road to Damascus (Acts 9). He was considered the crême de la crême of Jewish leadership and was on the fast track to religious success. But once he came to know God and understand and love Him, he counted all of that as a loss compared to knowing Christ. (Philippians 3:4-8) Look at what he reveals in this area of our Christian lives:

We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. ⁵You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed—God is our witness. ⁶We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else. (1 Thessalonians 2:4-6)

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

And Jesus tried to explain His motivation for following God and not kowtowing to the Pharisees in this way:

He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him. (John 7:18)

Both of these men communicated a clear sense of calling and purpose by stating that God was their only source of approval. Paul goes so far as to say that if he were trying to please men - to impress them or earn their seal of approval - it would be contrary to his identity as a servant of Christ. That distinction makes me ask the following question:

Is it accurate to say that being motivated by the approval of others is a sin since we are supposed to be motivated by the approval of God? And if we think of pleasing people instead of God as sin, not just an unfortunate glitch in our personalities, can that help us clarify and alter our attitude in this area?

Practically speaking, the key connection is this: I can only walk in the confidence of God, striving to please only Him, when I understand and appreciate my value to Him and His love for me. And there is no way to cultivate that confidence other than by spending time with Him. That means reading and knowing the Word He gave to us, which is full of His love and truth to guide us. It means committing to times of silence and solitude to hear from and be transformed by the Holy Spirit. It means keeping short lists of sins to confess and being willing to repent and change when convicted. These practices place us in a position to hear from God and the love relationship grows. And when we see God for who He is and recognize the magnanimous and overwhelming gesture He made in redeeming us by the blood of His only Son, we will become increasingly aware of a connection that transcends the approval of others.

Hebrews 11 is often referred to as the "Hall of Faith" as it lists several prominent God-followers who had great faith to believe God for what seemed impossible. What if we could exchange our people-pleasing tendencies with a lifestyle that could be described like Enoch?

"By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God." (Hebrews 11:5)

Or to aspire to the kind of relationship Jesus describes between Him and His Father when He said:

"The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him." (John 8:29)

I always do what pleases God. What words to describe a life. Oh, that they would describe me someday. Lord, transform us and teach us so that we fully grasp your love for us and your desires for our lives so that we can pursue you wholeheartedly and always do what pleases you, leaving the need for others' approval at the foot of the cross. Amen.

• Do you relate to the Pleaser described in the opening paragraph? If so, have you found this type of relating to others to be satisfying? How has it caused stress or pain in your relationships? What steps can you take to break free from this?

• Read Psalm 104:33-35, Psalm 147:10-11, Proverbs 15:8, Romans 12:1-2, Hebrews 13:20-21, and 1 Timothy 2:1-6. What are some things listed that please God? How can you begin to add those to your life?

• Reread Matthew 10:37-39. God is not suggesting we love each other less, but that we love Him more. How can we cultivate that love relationship so it grows? What practical steps can you take this week to increase your love for God?

Helping Others and Changing Ourselves

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ~Leo Tolstoy

The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: "If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?" But... the good Samaritan reversed the question: "If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?" ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

There is a multi-layered, complex tension between what we are personally responsible for our in our spiritual growth and what role we play in others’ lives as they pursue God. At times in our walks with God we are called to personal reflection and solitude to hear from God and move in obedience. At other times, the Holy Spirit prompts us to enter into service and relationship with others so that His glory becomes evident in our lives and to the world.

How can we carry each other’s burdens while still carrying our own? How can we be individuals but still be part of the whole? And how can we guard against thinking we are something we’re not, but still take pride in ourselves? Paul’s letter to the Galatians has a section that addresses these questions and I’ve been wrestling with it for a while now. Here it is:

¹Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. ²Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. ³If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. ⁴Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, ⁵for each one should carry his own load.

⁶Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.

⁷Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. ⁸The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. ⁹Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ¹⁰Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. (Galatians 6:1-10)

Every time I read this part of Paul’s letter I think, “Tricky, tricky balance.” It’s a tricky balance between individual responsibility and reciprocal accountability. Between checking behavior and checking motivation. Between living as my own unique creation and allowing other believers to speak into my life and have influence on my spiritual growth. Regardless of the pictures in our minds associated with this letter, there are several things in it that merit inspection.

A breakdown of the balance between personal and reciprocal responsibility might look like this:

Personal Responsibility

A. Watch yourself (6:1) – Others may warn us, but we alone are responsible for putting up boundaries and structure for protection or growth in our spiritual journeys. And it behooves us to be proactive. Paul’s warning is really against thinking we’re so high and mighty that we’ll never need the grace, patience and forgiveness we’re extending to someone else today. That’s dangerous pride that precedes an inevitable fall.

B. Test your own actions (6:4) – This requires time alone with God to hear His Spirit convicting us of words spoken in haste or too harshly, sinful behaviors, or patterns that are detrimental to growth in the ways laid out in Scripture. It also necessitates vulnerable and authentic relationships with other believers so that they can speak into my life and make me aware of sin that I don’t see.

C. Carry your own load (6:5) – No one can do the heart work necessary to lay out old wounds and process my feelings of anger, sadness, resentment or fear except me. I can take others with me to a certain extent as I invite them to pray for me, speak honestly to me, and listen actively to my story, but I will stand alone before God someday and give account for the life I’ve lived and the way I’ve loved. There are places only He and I can go, and I alone can take responsibility for being healthy and whole so I can give to others.

D. Take pride in yourself (6:4) – The Bible speaks so often of pride in a negative light that it seems counterintuitive to see it commended in any context. The pride Paul refers to here is a content satisfaction in knowing who I am because I have sought God and heard Him. Instead of wanting to be more like someone else and bemoaning my lot in life because I don’t have what she has or look like she does, I press into God and ask Him who I am and what I’m doing on this earth. That kind of pride is God-confidence and we can walk with our heads held high, knowing that our identity and purpose are sure and that we are loved beyond our comprehension. Then, and only then, am I free to engage others without defense or pretense because I have nothing to hide and nothing to lose.

E. Reap what you sow (6:7) – We can only persevere in doing good or obeying God in the course of a lifetime if we are properly motivated. Paul says in this passage that we reap destruction when we are motivated by our own sinful, short-term pleasure, but that we reap eternal life – abundant, satisfying life – when we are motivated to please the One who guides and convicts us. Eternal life begins now, and we can only hope to reap a harvest of righteousness and joy when we continually seek time in God’s Presence to understand and know Him. The more we know Him, the more we will love Him. And the more we love Him, the more natural it becomes to do what pleases Him.

Reciprocal Responsibility

A. Restore each other after sinning (6:1) - Look at how the chapter begins: Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. Once we’ve grown some and become “spiritual”, or in tune with the Spirit, we can come alongside those who have fallen to equip and restore them into obedience. The verb tense indicates the necessity for endurance and patience in the process. The word itself implies that we are to use deliberate kindness in their restoration. The goal is God’s glory, not an individual’s humiliation or condemnation. But we are definitely called to help each other, not to ignore and tolerate sin.

B. Carry each other’s burdens (6:2) – Sometimes life’s trials are too much to carry alone and we are encouraged to help each other when it’s just too hard. This may include interceding in prayer, helping others financially, lending a hand to physical labor, or actively engaging as a listener to relieve another’s pain. It doesn’t mean one who is struggling can disengage from his or her own trials, but that as each of us leans on God to carry the load, we can get help from others, too. Jesus said that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. When we go to His strength and His perspective with our heavy hearts, He often brings others around us to comfort and help.

C. Exchange knowledge and good things (6:6) – As someone who has led Bible studies and walked with younger Christians as they discover the truths of God’s Word, I can tell you that sometimes the best of the “good things” a learner can share is their joy of learning. It is an honor to be included in the triumphs and trials of a life when one is navigating the waters of spiritual growth. This concept can also be applied to giving financial support to one who is devoted to teaching others so that they are free to pursue the gift God has given them without the distraction of a second job.

D. Do good to each other (6:10) – Could this be any clearer? This last verse of the section implies being proactive in looking for opportunities to bless those around us. And if we take care to be properly connected to and motivated by the Holy Spirit, God will bring those opportunities to us and we will rise to the occasion. James 2:17 says, “faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” Our love for God and understanding of His grace and power in our lives should compel us to reach out to others and build them up.

Changing the world and changing ourselves. Can we separate the two? And can we do either without the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives? I submit that we cannot.

May the words of Scripture encourage and inspire us to pursue God with all our hearts and all our actions this week. And may He speak clearly to us and remind us of His great love for us.

• Reread Galatians 6:2. What is “the law of Christ”? How does it connect to the concepts in this passage? (You may want to also look at Matthew 22:35-38 and Luke 10:25-37 to see what Jesus said.)

• Which category seems like a bigger challenge to you: taking personal responsibility or helping others? Why? Where can you look in Scripture for further meditation in this area? (Suggestion: the book of James has some very practical applications of spiritual topics. And 1 and 2 Corinthians talk a lot about relationships.)

Times of Peace Intro

This is an introduction I recorded for a group who is starting my Bible Study, "Building in Times of Peace".

Sanctified By The Word

Think about what you’d like to change about yourself. Not just some of the superficial or inconvenient characteristics you may tolerate on a daily basis. I’m not talking about wishing you were taller or had a whiter smile or that you were a better singer. Take a moment to dig a little deeper to the heart issues that may plague your relationships or keep you from experiencing the truly abundant life Jesus promised. (John 10:10) Lying, insecurity, overindulgence, control issues, compulsions, selfishness. When you look back a few years, do you see growth? Are you different today than you were five years ago? Ten years ago? And how would you like to be five or ten years from now in those areas? If you’re like me, some days you feel like a new person entirely and other days it seems that nothing has changed at all. If you’re not like me in that regard, I envy you. I long for consistent growth toward my potential without the setbacks.

The process of becoming more and more what we were created to be is called sanctification. Becoming holy. Set apart from evil and devoted to God. We were knit together in our mother’s womb to reflect God’s glory and live in relationship with our Creator. But we were born into a sinful world with sinful tendencies and we all fall short of the beauty and delight we will enjoy in Heaven. With this life as a training ground for how and where we’ll spend eternity, we are invited to engage and participate in the process of becoming better and better reflections of God’s original plan for us.

So how does this work? And how can we enter into the process and become active participants?

Embrace Christ – The only way to begin the transformation process is to enter into a relationship with Christ by faith, and begin to walk in the truth and forgiveness He alone can offer. He is the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Him. (John 14:6) Apart from Christ you can do nothing; and that includes pursuing a life of righteousness and holiness. (John 15:5)

Engage the Word – Paul wrote these words to Timothy, his young protégé: ^“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17) Jesus’ prayer for His disciples was that the Father would use the truth of His Word to make them more holy. (John 17:17) The only way to be in a place where we can be sanctified by the Word is to open our Bibles and make the Word a priority. Then we can know God’s will, be equipped to teach others, and see our journey through a perspective of objective truth, even when our circumstances or emotions may be fluctuating wildly.

Encounter the Spirit – When we practice spiritual disciplines like reading our Bibles and praying, we place ourselves in a position to hear from God and be open to and aware of the Holy Spirit’s power in our lives. ^“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (2 Corinthians 3:17-18) It is God’s Spirit that makes us more like Christ. (John 16) He guides the process that brings us into alignment with God’s standards, setting us apart from the sin that distracts us and molding us into the servants He wants us to be.

Then, when all the spiritual pistons are firing, we find a rhythm to life that brings joy in trials, growth in relationships, and purpose in our pursuits.

Take a look at these examples of how the prophet Jeremiah demonstrates an inextricable link between his identity as God’s child and knowing and loving His Word:

⁸ Whenever I speak, I cry out 


proclaiming violence and destruction. 


So the word of the LORD has brought me 


insult and reproach all day long.

⁹ But if I say, "I will not mention him 


or speak any more in his name," 


his word is in my heart like a fire, 


a fire shut up in my bones. 


I am weary of holding it in; 


indeed, I cannot. (Jeremiah 20:8-9)

When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty. (Jeremiah 15:16)

And the author who wrote the longest psalm in the Bible about God’s Word:

“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” (Psalm 119:11)

“My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times.” (119:20)

^“33 Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;

then I will keep them to the end.

³⁴ Give me understanding, and I will keep your law 


and obey it with all my heart.

³⁵ Direct me in the path of your commands, 


for there I find delight.

³⁶ Turn my heart toward your statutes 


and not toward selfish gain.

³⁷ Turn my eyes away from worthless things; 


preserve my life according to your word.

³⁸ Fulfill your promise to your servant, 


so that you may be feared.

³⁹ Take away the disgrace I dread, 


for your laws are good.

⁴⁰ How I long for your precepts! 


Preserve my life in your righteousness.” (119:33-40)

“Your statutes are my heritage forever;

they are the joy of my heart.” (119:111)

Both these men saw the strong bond between God’s Word and His calling on their lives to be the individuals He created them to be. Whether God was telling Jeremiah to pass along His message of wrath to His disobedient children, or if He was revealing His plan of redemption and restoration, the interaction with God and His Word changed the person He spoke to. That is true for us as well. When we engage God’s Word, allowing it to seep into the deepest parts of us, and seeing life through the perspective of perfect truth and holiness, we are changed. We are sanctified by the Word of truth. God’s truth becomes our truth, and our love for Him and His Word grows as we become like Him.

The 18^th century British pastor and Bible commentator, Matthew Henry, wrote this concerning the concept of sanctification by the Word:

Those that through grace are sanctified have need to be sanctified more and more. Even disciples must pray for sanctifying grace; for, if he that was the author of the good work be not the finisher of it, we are undone. Not to go forward is to go backward; he that is holy must be holy still, more holy still, pressing forward, soaring upward, as those that have not attained. …That all needful truth should be comprised and summed up in the word of God. Divine revelation, as it now stands in the written word, is not only pure truth without mixture, but entire truth without deficiency. (Commentary on John 17:17)

May we all strive to be more and more conformed to the image of the One who redeemed us for His glory. And may we all be sanctified by the Word of Truth as we submit to its precepts and incorporate its beauty into our lives. And may God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Thessalonians 5:23)

• Read all of Psalm 119. (It’s a long one!) Highlight or write in a journal verses that describe the author’s attitude toward God’s Word. (This may also include words like law, precepts, statutes, commands, etc.) What words (both actions and attitudes) are associated with God’s Law? Which ones resonate with you? Why? Which seem foreign, but attractive to you? Why?

• Read John 17:14-19. Spend some time pondering the concept of sanctification as laid out by Jesus in this prayer. What does this process look like? How does it feel to be a part of it and experience it? What evidence of these concepts do you see in your own life?