According to Milan and Kay Yerkovich, authors of How We Love, there are five love styles we all bring to our adult relationships that are based on how we grew up. One of the styles is called The Pleaser. Some of The Pleaser’s characteristics are:
• They have built in radar to read the moods and emotional temperature of others.
• They will make any effort to try and prevent others from becoming angry because it makes them very anxious to have others mad and upset.
• They tend to take responsibility for feelings and moods of everyone around them.
In short, Pleasers will do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict and confrontation. They want everyone to be happy. If this style resonates with you, you already know that trying to please people in this way doesn’t work very well in alleviating anxiety or in keeping peace. Instead, Pleasers may find themselves lying, manipulating or resisting those they love in order to avoid negative interactions. As Christians we know this is no way to live in relationships. There is a better way.
What if we were so secure in our understanding and appreciation of our position as a valuable member of God’s family that we could replace our desire to please other people with a stronger, more focused desire to please HIM? Could that transform our relationships and liberate us to speak real truth to one another and to ourselves? What would life be like if we could transfer our deepest desire to win the approval of others to attempting to live in such a way that our goal is to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant” from our Father? What a transformation that would be!
Look at what Jesus had to say about this very connection:
28Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
32"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven…
37"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:28-33; 37-39)
If it’s true that human nature dictates that we try to please those we love and/or those we fear, who should occupy those positions above God Himself? His love for us is abundantly described in Scripture: He is our Creator, Redeemer, Counselor, Father, and Comforter. From the planets in the universe to the hairs on our heads, He is in control. He raised the dead and knit us together, chromosome by chromosome in our mother’s womb. Does a stronger example of love and power exist? I submit that it does not.
Let's take a look at some of Paul's writing in this subject. He was a powerful, charismatic, zealous, intelligent man who was dramatically transformed in his direction and purpose when he had his encounter with Christ on the road to Damascus (Acts 9). He was considered the crême de la crême of Jewish leadership and was on the fast track to religious success. But once he came to know God and understand and love Him, he counted all of that as a loss compared to knowing Christ. (Philippians 3:4-8) Look at what he reveals in this area of our Christian lives:
We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. 5You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed—God is our witness. 6We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else. (1 Thessalonians 2:4-6)
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)
And Jesus tried to explain His motivation for following God and not kowtowing to the Pharisees in this way:
He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him. (John 7:18)
Both of these men communicated a clear sense of calling and purpose by stating that God was their only source of approval. Paul goes so far as to say that if he were trying to please men - to impress them or earn their seal of approval - it would be contrary to his identity as a servant of Christ. That distinction makes me ask the following question:
Is it accurate to say that being motivated by the approval of others is a sin since we are supposed to be motivated by the approval of God? And if we think of pleasing people instead of God as sin, not just an unfortunate glitch in our personalities, can that help us clarify and alter our attitude in this area?
Practically speaking, the key connection is this: I can only walk in the confidence of God, striving to please only Him, when I understand and appreciate my value to Him and His love for me. And there is no way to cultivate that confidence other than by spending time with Him. That means reading and knowing the Word He gave to us, which is full of His love and truth to guide us. It means committing to times of silence and solitude to hear from and be transformed by the Holy Spirit. It means keeping short lists of sins to confess and being willing to repent and change when convicted. These practices place us in a position to hear from God and the love relationship grows. And when we see God for who He is and recognize the magnanimous and overwhelming gesture He made in redeeming us by the blood of His only Son, we will become increasingly aware of a connection that transcends the approval of others.
Hebrews 11 is often referred to as the "Hall of Faith" as it lists several prominent God-followers who had great faith to believe God for what seemed impossible. What if we could exchange our people-pleasing tendencies with a lifestyle that could be described like Enoch?
"By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God." (Hebrews 11:5)
Or to aspire to the kind of relationship Jesus describes between Him and His Father when He said:
"The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him." (John 8:29)
I always do what pleases God. What words to describe a life. Oh, that they would describe me someday. Lord, transform us and teach us so that we fully grasp your love for us and your desires for our lives so that we can pursue you wholeheartedly and always do what pleases you, leaving the need for others' approval at the foot of the cross. Amen.
• Do you relate to the Pleaser described in the opening paragraph? If so, have you found this type of relating to others to be satisfying? How has it caused stress or pain in your relationships? What steps can you take to break free from this?
• Read Psalm 104:33-35, Psalm 147:10-11, Proverbs 15:8, Romans 12:1-2, Hebrews 13:20-21, and 1 Timothy 2:1-6. What are some things listed that please God? How can you begin to add those to your life?
• Reread Matthew 10:37-39. God is not suggesting we love each other less, but that we love Him more. How can we cultivate that love relationship so it grows? What practical steps can you take this week to increase your love for God?
this was very helpful.....I have always struggling with pleasing others so I would feel liked and approved of. After reading this I now have new food for thought and inspiration - thank you!
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