Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?!” Once again, she struggled to help him pull off the ill fitting boots. He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots….”
Does working on difficult relationships ever feel like this to anyone but me? Just when I’m reaching an understanding of someone or have made peace with certain expectations, a conversation needs to take place to clarify or express, and the terrain gets rocky again.
I came across this quote in a book I’m reading on relationships, and I wonder if you can get behind this sentiment:
“The trade-off of current uneasiness for the awkward pain of growth is
the promise of future relief.” (How We Love, Yerkovich, p. 299)
These authors make it sound like it’s going to be hard either way: if you stay where you are in relational dysfunction with people or if you choose to move forward and gain understanding and change as a person. I have found that to be true; have you? Here’s a bit of Scripture that I have been living with over the past couple of weeks that has been encouraging in this area:
Do you know what I love about it? It’s a perfect balance of a high standard of relational accountability with the freedom of reality. I have to do everything in my power, as God leads me, to live peaceably with everyone in my life. That’s my responsibility, period. And sometimes that’s exhausting. What’s also true is that sometimes it’s not possible, and sometimes it’s not up to me. Whew, right? Except that both of those scenarios can be painful, whether I’m
giving up my expectations on a relationship because I’ve been hurt or misunderstood so the relationship ends or I’m digging deep to find words to express myself and risking rejection, derision or more pain, but the relationship evolves.
So how do we know if we’ve done everything that depends on us to live at peace? How do I know if anything is required of me at all? And what’s wrong with just writing people off when the going gets tough so you can move on to greener relational pastures? If only a relationship with God was a formula. Then I could insert the flow chart below and we’d never have to press into God to listen to His Spirit in each individual situation we face. Oh, wait. Then we’d miss out on the relationship! That’s precisely why there is no formula!
Here are some principles that have helped me in messy relationships and led me toward resolution more often than dissolution. This is not an exhaustive list; just some helpful points.
1. Check yourself. This is the phase of the process that has to do with the “as far as it depends on you” part of the verse in Romans and must come first. Before any kind of fierce conversations can take place, I need to know my heart is in the right place. I ask God things like, “Why am I having this reaction?” “What is this feeling and where is it coming from?” “What did I do to cause this situation?” “What perspective am I not seeing?” “Is my expression of my feelings crucial to the health of the relationship?” “What do you want me to do or say?” If we never move beyond this step in our relationships, we still win.
2. Speak the truth in love. Once you’ve gone through the process of asking God to reveal your heart and asking Him to reveal His, you will be in a better position to say what’s on your mind. It’s ok to have feelings, but not everyone needs to know all of them all the time. If I’ve hashed them out with God, who cares more than anyone, I’m free to say only what needs to be said for clarification. I can express hurt, ask questions, and respond when the real working out of the situation has already happened between me and God.
3. Be real. Be clear. Be kind. As believers, we are all members of the body of Christ, and as such we are responsible for encouraging, challenging and loving each other as God’s Spirit prompts and convicts us. Speaking our minds doesn’t have to be cruel. Taking our time to allow God to give us just the right words (or to clamp our mouths shut) is one way to “restore each other gently” (Galatians 6:1) and move the relationship toward a deeper, more satisfying place.
4. Give the benefit of the doubt. Especially if there is a misunderstanding or tension between believers, we have to extend some grace to each other. If I’m trying to love my neighbor as myself, why would I assume that you’re not making the same effort?
5. Release. When we’ve consulted God, examined our hearts, and spoken the truth in love, sometimes we need to release the results and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes we need to release the relationship.
It’s not ok to leave things the way they stand when there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Awkwardness turns into resentment, anger and bitterness, which are seeds of division in the body of Christ. (Hebrews 12:14-15) But how we approach these tender situations can only be determined by a thorough examination of our own motives and a solid connection to the One who knows us and wants His children to live in peace. Conflict is one way God refines our character and challenges us to press into Him, developing our trust in Him along the way. When viewed from that perspective, it’s not all bad.
There are myriad methods of clearing up the messy bits in friendships, marriages, and other significant connections we have with each other. Sometimes we need to be direct with each other and lay out the issues clearly to get to the heart of an issue. Sometimes we need to bite our tongues. Sometimes God will reveal a creative and innovative way of arriving at resolution. But here’s the pay off verse I want to end on:
“Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” (Romans 8:17)
When we work through our feelings and issues with others as we go to God, asking Him to reveal Himself in the process, He receives glory. Because we are all members of His body, the church, when one of us suffers in relational tension, every part suffers. (1 Corinthians 12:26) Christ Himself had a few run-ins with those who opposed Him as well as those in His inner circle. When we have misunderstandings or conflict, we share in that kind of suffering. And
working through it to reach understanding and peace requires submission of our agendas and our wills to His, so when it works, He gets the glory! And I don’t share that glory in a sense that I get some of it; I share in the enjoyment of knowing God is lifted up and is getting credit for a relationship that went right!
I have had to do some hard, hard work and some deep soul-searching in the most important relationships in my life. And I can tell you unequivocally that the effort is worth it. Not only would I not still be married if I hadn’t worked through this process, I wouldn’t know how deeply God loves me and cares about how I interact with my brothers and sisters in His family. When I die to myself, admit my failures and ask for forgiveness, or when I have to tell someone how they’ve hurt me so we can move past the issue, I have had to spend significant time with God first. Hearing His voice, sensing His direction and seeing Him get the glory in the end is always worth persevering.
• Read the following Scripture passages and write down (or discuss) what relationship principles you see. What areas do you find coming up in your relationships more frequently than others? Are you willing to go through the process with God and other people to make some changes? What first steps will you take?
~ Ephesians 4:17-5-21 ~ Galatians 5:16-6:14 ~Hebrews 12:14-15
• Read Luke 16:1-13. How does the shrewd manager demonstrate the value of relationships in this life?
No comments:
Post a Comment